flashbacks: letter to OB

We took Maxton in for his physical today and ran into the doctor who was all set to be my OB when I was pregnant with Maxton. (BTW, I had to find an OB that would accept my high-risk case at about 28 wks. My son's heart condition prevented me from being able to deliver at the birth center.)

After our initial appointment, I left his office in tears and we switched doctors. Later, I felt compelled to write him a letter, which I never sent, but I'm sharing with you below.

I'm not disclosing his name, for two reasons: 1) If I never sent the letter directly to him, it's not fair that he could accidentally find it online (simply by googling his name) ; 2) I'm convinced that, because of the state of obstetrics in this country, it really could have been written to just about any OB out there. This is the standard of care.


****
Summer, 2007

Dr. G, MD
Glendale, CA 91204

Dear Dr. G,

As you are now aware, I have transferred my obstetric care to another
physician. It is important for me to share with you the reasons for my
decision.

From our first meeting, it was clear that you practice defensive
obstetrics and have a standard protocol that
doesn't deviate with each of your patient's individual situation.

In addition, you stated to me that I wouldn't be able to handle the
pain of labor and would need an epidural (especially because you
planned on using Pitocin as a routine procedure—never once taking into
consideration my needs or wants as a patient). In telling women that
they cannot handle labor on their own (at your first meeting with
them, no less), you are doing a great disservice. You have no right to
instill fear and doubt in your patients, when your job is to provide
information, concern, respect and support. I find it hard to accept
that a doctor whose patients are exclusively women has little faith
and belief that their bodies are able to handle birth. It is not right
for you to make this assumption for every pregnant woman who walks in
your office. Frankly, it's disrespectful and you're misusing your
authority in their lives for your own convenience.

At our last meeting, you stated that whether or not I tested positive
for Group B Strep, you were going to put me on an antibiotic. This,
again, was an example of how you choose intervention, whether
warranted or not, to deal with your cases.

I am an informed and well-read patient and was able to see the red
flags during our visits very clearly. After our first visit, I left
your office in tears, terrified that I would be under your care on my
delivery date. The stress of the situation was overwhelming. My
husband and I realized then that no amount of cost savings (because
you're in our HMO) was worth the anxiety and stress of dealing with an
OB whose philosophy of care was so opposite from ours.

Because you run such a busy practice (and for medical-legal reasons,
I'm sure), it's probably more convenient for you to choose
intervention rather than deal with each case individually, but I hope
in the future you will be able to balance this point of view with the
needs of your patients.

Dr. G, I wish you only the best and sincerely pray that you'll
take my concerns into consideration as you deal with the women who are
trusting you during the most important phase of their lives.

By the way, I genuinely thank you and your staff handling my HMO
referrals so expeditiously.

Sincerely,
Delina Pryce McPhaull

his name is really not that complicated

We named our son Maxton. Unusual, uncommon, but not hard to pronounce, remember or spell.
People manage to do all of the above. Here are the variations we've heard in the last 20 months:

Maxten
Maximus
Maxim
Max (a nickname the church members have adopted that Ben and I haven't)
Maxston
Braxton

I don't know how much simpler we coulda made his name. Just wait 'til the twins come...they're really gonna get confused...

co-sleeping limits

Of all the parenting philosophies that I've explored, Attachment Parenting best fits with my views, values and beliefs. Part of AP includes co-sleeping. People are a little startled when they find out that Maxton sleeps in our bedroom and until a few weeks ago, in our bed. I don't see what the big deal is, for centuries families have shared living quarters... I think it's a purely American notion, driven by marketers and commercialism, who have created a "norm" that babies should sleep by themselves in their own private rooms. Maybe I'd feel differently if we had bedrooms to spare, but right now the 2nd bedroom is where the guest bed, books and computer sleep.

Being the 5.5 month pregnant girl that I am, sleeping with Maxton in our bed was getting kinda tricky. I felt like I was guarding my belly from kicks all night. Maxton likes to sleep perpendicular to Ben and me (and most of the time snuggled so close to me that I'm squished in a corner of the bed). Furthermore, the bigger I got, the harder it became to reposition him, not to mention, reposition myself. It was time to train 18-month-old Maxton to sleep in his crib (right next to our bed) and sleep in there all night.

This is why we stopped co-sleeping.



For the transition, we made a huge deal about how cool it was going to be for the big boy to sleep in his own bed. I even put my old baby pillowcase on a brand new Sleep Number pillow for him. We did our nighttime routine (pjs, brush teeth, sing, read, pray, kisses, close door, lights out) and I put him in the crib and talked to him about how big boys get to sleep in their own special beds and he was going to be fine and Mami would be right here. There was a little crying.... I hugged him lots. But he went to sleep like a champ. He still reaches for me and likes to hold my finger sometimes... he plays with my knuckles until he falls back to sleep. For the first few weeks he was waking up around 5 a.m. and we'd bring him in our bed so he could sleep longer. Lately, he's been in his crib all night. The transition wasn't half as traumatic as I expected! He even sleeps in the crib for naps!

I don't regret co-sleeping (in the same bed) one bit. I know the security that he had his first year and a half (of having mommy and daddy right there) is the reason he's able to handle the transition.

my inspiration

I'm tired of reading all the mainstream stuff about premature labor and c-sections for twins. Every now and then I have to watch this video and remind myself that I CAN go to full term and birth naturally, without drugs.

the latest anti-breastfeeding article

This article, written by Hanna Rosin, appeared recently in Atlantic Monthly: The Case Against Breastfeeding. Her basic premise is that there's too much pressure for women to breastfeed and there are no real health benefits. Here are thoughts:

• you were resentful of your husband's freedom, while you felt tied down because you were breastfeeding. that's your real issue. deal.
• breastmilk IS liquid vaccine
• who sponsored those studies that said breastmilk and formula were close to equal? and how on God's green earth could that even be possible? I've never heard of formula that adapts to a child's needs.
• maybe breastfeeding is a lot about bonding, being forced to be tied down when your selfish self would find something else to do besides hold and know your child. how could you ever measure that in a study?
• I can't stand feminists.
  

hands off my belly

How do you stop someone, in a kind way, from touching your belly?! What makes people think it's okay to touch a woman's pregnant belly? I know it's tempting 'cause I've caught myself reaching out to touch someone else's belly...

But, really, people, it really feels violating for someone at church, at the store, wherever to reach out and touch your body part like that. I know you're trying to caress the baby in some telepathic virtual way, but that's not what you're doing. You are touching my belly. Would you like me to touch your belly?

breastfeeding is demanding

One of the things that no one ever told me before I had a baby was that breastfeeding would be one of the most demanding things I had ever done, no...THE most demanding thing I had ever done or would ever do. It totally changes your life, the way you approach leaving the house, the way you look, your schedule, your wardrobe, how and when you sleep and for how long... After the first month I told my friend, Caroline, that I TOTALLY understand why women find any and every excuse/reason to justify why they stop breastfeeding. Realizing how hard it was for me, a SAHM who was bound and determined to BF, I KNEW most women weren't breastfeeding as much as they would lead you to believe (only 17% of women breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months).

No one told me that:

• I wouldn't wear a dress again for a long long time, unless it was low-cut (which I don't do...)
• It hurts for several weeks even if the baby is latched on correctly.
  
• My nipples would sometimes bleed and I would see blood streaks in my son's poop!
• I would have porn star boobs when I was too full.
• I would feed him every 2 hours for the first 8 months (and everything had to be scheduled with that in mind).
• La Leche league would never return my calls with questions.
• The only way to get any real sleep at night would be to BF in the bed, laying down, half-sleep, most of the night.
• I would leak so much it would soak the bed.
• I couldn't eat certain foods because it would aggravate his reflux.
• Pumping only works if you have an extra 12 hours built in to your day.
• Women will lie about how long they breastfed and whether or not they gave their babies formula.
• My son would refuse a bottle (of pumped breastmilk) at 4 months so pumping would be useless.
  
  
  
  
  
  

I'm still a believer that it was one of the most important things I could have done for my son and and I would begin the 16-month journey again in a heartbeat. I can see the difference in health between a breasftfed baby and one who wasn't. There's a price to pay either way; granted, no child is doomed for life because the mother couldn't breastfeed.

I have no idea how I'll manage breastfeeding twins... but I'm going to steel up and do the hard thing even when it's demanding and inconvenient. I think determination in your mind is 80% of the battle and having support is 10% and just doing the thing is the rest...

What unexpected challenges did you face with breastfeeding?

Why this blog?

I'm starting this blog because I have so many Mami (mommy)-related things I want to write about and I didn't want to hijack my personal blog with them. I'm pretty happy with the design, so now I'm ready to write... but I've forgotten what I wanted to say...